Utz Kind of A Funny Story

I sashayed the bag lightly. I never put my hand inside the bag. I could only touch one of the chips at a time and use only my thumb and first finger. I analyzed each individual chip, looking at every square inch. With delicate and rapid licks I licked off all the sour cream flavor, except for the part my fingers covered. I reviewed my work, and then bit off a tiny bit at a time, sometimes taking ten to fifteen nibbles per chip.

I never knew someone was watching me, reporting in to my mother. Mrs. Sperling taught the Alef class at Hebrew School, but that was last year. What is she doing still squirreling away secrets about me to my mother?

“Four bags of chips?” Mom was mad… or worried. Sometimes I couldn’t tell the difference.

Was it four? I don’t remember four… just the chips.

“Sydney! How many bags of chips did you have?”

“I don’t know.” I knew.

Just then my brother walked in. He doesn’t have to go to Hebrew School anymore because he got kicked out and had to get private lessons with the Rabbi. But then the Rabbi mysteriously “let” the Cantor take over because “that was his job.”

“I’m going to start calling you ‘Four Bag Fatso,’” my brother laughed. My mom gave him a light zetz in the arm. He stopped laughing.

“Shut up! I did not eat four bags of chips!” All of a sudden I became very aware of that fourth bag of chips that I stashed in my book bag.

“Sydney,” my mother started again. “You cannot have four bags of chips. Do you hear me?”

“Yes! Can I go up to my room now?” I grabbed my book bag and ran up stairs.

I made sure that my mom and brother were still down stairs. Just the sound of opening the last bag of chips made my mouth water. I curled up in my bed, making sure to hide the bag under my blanket in case one of them walked by.

I sashay the bag lightly. I never put my hand inside the bag. I can only touch one of the chips at a time and use only my thumb and first finger. I analyze each individual chip, looking at every square inch. With delicate and rapid licks I lick off all the sour cream flavor, except for the part my fingers cover. I review my work, and then bite off a tiny bit at a time, sometimes taking ten to fifteen nibbles per chip.